We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Randomize
