i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
