After last night, I could never be a politician.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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