My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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