I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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