I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
