toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
