Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
