New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
