Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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