Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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