I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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