Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
