i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
