is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
