i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Randomize