She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
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