Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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