I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
