Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
