He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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