Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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