worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
