I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
It's never too late to be topless.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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