I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
