hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
