Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
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