he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
