Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
