She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
