I accidentally had phone sex last night
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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