Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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