gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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