I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
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