Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
