You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
