she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
