hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
