I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
