you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
And then my night got REAL pukey
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
