Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Randomize
