I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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