Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
