I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
