everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
