I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
We're using joints as your birthday candles
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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