Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
