In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Rumble strips road head = magical
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
