she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
