i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
