tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
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