i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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