I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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