i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
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