He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
