my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
